Disciplined Playfulness
There's a curious interplay between a playful and a disciplined approach to every action. I haven't yet found a way to successfully engage in disciplined playfulness, though admittedly I haven't had the idea to engage in playful discipline until I began writing here.
You see, on the one hand there's the drive to play. To play is to connect with a joyful act, an activity which is joyous despite its suffering (though not because of the suffering - that'd be masochism). I think the state of play is distinguished by an attitude of wonder (curiosity and awe) and amusement.
The former element pulls us deeper into what we're engaged in. The latter helps us look at our own momentary deficiencies with playful self-compassion. The former is an emotion felt in relation to the external, the latter is an emotion that in relation to the internal. A toddler runs out into an open space eager to explore, trips - and laughs.
Discipline on the other hand places worth in the activity itself. Practice is a Good Thing. If you practice then you are doing a Good Thing and so you are being a Good Boy. It doesn't matter if you don't feel like playing music because you're too tired: get out there and practice.
It sounds harsh, because at an extreme it is. At an extreme the value discipline places on the practical act becomes the star around which all other elements revolve. You feel like your worth depends on whether you did those things Discipline has compelled you to. Even the original feelings that inspired your disciplined approach are trapped in the orbit of Discipline.
You notice other developments: goals become quantified, for instance. It's no longer about writing a story that inspires you or that might inspire others. No: it's about writing 500 words today, tomorrow and every other day until the damn thing is done.
It's not about writing a song that makes you go "whoa". No: it's about spending an hour in Cubase every single day.
It's not about contemplating and expressing your thoughts and emotions in a blog. No: it's about posting every day come what may.
The tricky part about all this is that although playfulness sounds delightful and discipline dreadful, they each have their role to play. Playfulness is a spontaneous emotion, I think. It needs a relaxed state of mind - which is a luxury these days when you spend a day wracking your brain with an Excel spreadsheet, arguing with emails, feel stuck in meetings you can't get out of and just working for a big part of the day.
So when the day's done and you're mentally exhausted, it's hard to tease out feelings of wonder and amusement. At least I haven't found a means of forcing me into that state. Hence, my failure in engaging in "disciplined playfulness". I can try "hacks" like watching a comedy or listening to music but recognising these as ploys drains the joy out of them. There is nothing sadder than comedy being used as a tool of propaganda.
"Playful discipline" may be a useful concept or it may just be bullshit my mind came up with as I write. Either way, I think it's worth exploring - when I'm feeling curious and self-amused.
