The Inner Child & The Taskmaster
I feel bad because I know that I've been neglecting myself. I've prioritised not feeling discomfort over dealing with problems.
Of course it's not THAT bad, it's not a big deal really... And to be completely honest with myself, I made mistakes in my efforts to take care of myself that simply backfired.
However that is neither here nor there. The important takeaway is to focus on addressing mistakes rather than beating myself up and calling myself the names that have floated around my head such as "irresponsible".
What is responsibility, anyway? Is it an acknowledgement of my capacity, as a human being, to imagine a future and decide on the actions to take to bring that future into the present? Or is it looking into the past and accepting the role my actions played in leading me to this present?
The past and the future, the present sandwiched in between them, tugged at from both ends.
The indulge in esoteric rumination and the use of the sesquipedalian is both a means for distraction from the practical actions one may take and for isolating oneself to intentionally remain uncomprehended but retain plausible deniability. The fault is not mine, my alienation is not my responsibility.
Returning to Earth for a moment, there are childhood needs that have remained unfulfilled for a long time. Work is simply am extension of school. I do what I do to be called a good boy. Perhaps I am a little too harsh on myself, and I think many are this way - the educational experience does seem to mimic the professional one.
Yet if I had to imagine an alternate childhood, one not determined by contemporary societal pressures upon myself or my parents, what would that childhood have looked like? What did I need but never get?
Acceptance for who I was, perhaps. "Matt, you're not as smart as David Falzon. But that's okay. You're smart in a different way. We wouldn't trade you for all the David F's of the universe because you are our son." Then I wouldn't feel this need to be more than I am. But I also wouldn't be who I am... And I kind of dig who I am. Its this part of me that rings the alarm bells. Perhaps before it'd say "Hey you piece of shit, get yourself together you're a terrible person." Now its learned to say "Yo buddy, you feel bad cause you did this to yourself."
Acceptance by my peers would have been nice. Perhaps acceptance OF my peers would have been nice too. I realise now that the competitive instinct that was emphasised in me had to have shaped my worldview in a "me vs the world" kind of way. So I felt rejected by others and would reject others. I probably focused on my lack of athletic prowess as a means of accentuating the differences. And yet my insecurity here points out the vestigial desire to be accepted... For the mind holds these two opposite desires at once: damn them and their football, oh how I wish I could play better. Stuck in a limbo of my own making.
It is at this point that a part of me tries to stop me from going further. The word "pathetic" floats around at the back of my head. It is shameful for a grown ass man to be upset about such (literally) childish things. Just shut the fuck up and get on with things, will you, you big baby?
But I refuse to heed it. I do not care if I'm pathetic. Is a baby not pathetic when it is born? Do we throw it away because it is so helpless and cannot take care of itself? And besides, is it the totality of my identity that is pathetic or is it this complex of memories that have not been dealt with? Of course it appears as pathetic from the eyes of a severe taskmaster, a psychological chimera of my childhood impression of parents, teachers and bullies coalesced into one voice. The truth is that this is yet another spectre of childhood.
No, the suffering child is not pathetic. Neither is the taskmaster. They both need to be helped along, spoken to, heard. I am never to sure of the practical value of all this introspection. Will it help me analyse economies better? Be a better bassist? Lose some bodyfat? I don't know, I don't care. I'm tired of seeing everything through a lens of productivity. Perhaps this is a sign that this is something that comes from my core, not a desire to please or appease the taskmaster.
