Reintegration

I have come to realise how disconnected from who I've become. Or rather, disconnected from some parts of me (physicality) - as I have rediscovered and reconnected with other parts (creativity).

I can see that the project of self growth goes awry when I involve others. This is not because it is wrong to involve others but rather because they are brought in at a premature stage. I rush things.

For example, I really enjoyed riding my bicycle last year. It's an old, kinda crappy, mountain bike - but I really loved just discovering the pleasure of riding about. However I put pressure on myself: this bicycle isn't good for triathlons. I need a road bike. I need to join an athletic club. I need to go, go, go.

Instead of acknowledging the beauty of the experience, I looked past it. I got a road bike, which handles beautifully but gets a puncture every 5 seconds and bounces on our shitty roads like a coked up 5 year old about to receive a Christmas present.

Instead of basking in the fulfillment of reaching my own milestones - the ability to ride one handed, indicate, look back, not lose my balance, venture outside my village, ride 30km, etc... I was focusing on stuff I don't enjoy but felt like I needed to accomplish to fight my insecurity. I didn't realise that there are challenges I would actually enjoy overcoming.

This is not to say that the "mistakes" should be totally discounted. It is only by experimentation and putting myself in those positions that I learned what I want and what I don't want to experience. Thus I can be honest with myself when I choose not to do something rather than doubt I'm lying to myself and exclaiming sour grapes as an excuse.

There's also the matter of having to integrate my past selves into my present rather try and recapture past glories. I'm far from my personal fitness peak. When I ran at a hard pace for five minutes I felt like my heart would explode. But I'm also a much better musician than I was. I'm writing blog posts and working on a novel. I'm simply unwilling to sacrifice parts of my identity I've grown fond of for optimising fitness.

And so it goes. Negotiating the past identity that got lost somewhere along the way these past few months with the new parts that grew out of the chaos, the grasping at straws, the despair and the misery of feeling lost. Now the process of leaning into this begins, and the courage to heed the call of my aspiration must be summoned.