Analytic Anaesthesia

I occasionally wake up and find myself lost. I have the distinct sensation that something iny life is going wrong. At this point I analyse my feelings and reconcile the results of my analysis with the reality I perceive. It takes a while to realise I'm going round in circles, probably because I need to experience a pattern repeat itself multiple times for me to recognise it as such.

Analysis is a coping mechanism. When I analyse and express myself I literally feel better. This is just a coping mechanism because analysis in itself only helps the symptoms and not the root cause of insecurity, loneliness, hopelessness and all that yummy stuff. Thus it isn't paralysis by analysis inasmuch as analytic anaesthesia.

Perhaps these phases are necessary, but it becomes clearer and clearer that a radical change is what is needed. As I continue to just cope with feelings, the problems grow and grow. Analysis doesn't have the same kick anymore. I need to take that fateful step into the land of action.

To avoid that step, I can confuse myself. This is helpful because confusion is a perfect excuse to analyse. How is one to shine a light on the dark, muddled, depths of my Being if not with the Luminous Lantern of Logic? Think, think, think, write, write...

The truth, once I have exhausted myself from chasing my own tail becomes plain to see. I think to cope. I think to stay where I am. Then I have an excuse to think to cope. I jumble up my life into a knot, I try and figure out this knot blind to the reality that I am the one who tied it in the first place - and in the process of figuring it out I knot it up some more. What a fun puzzle I've made for myself!

I know what my problems are. I know how to solve those problems. I know the steps I need to take to solve them. However I have a rich supply of artisanal handcrafted excuses to use.

I'm not caring for my body. Should I exercise and eat well? No, let's figure out why this is, eat junk and feel bad physically. Then we can break down the reason why I do what I do, all the while continuing to do it. Sneaky.

I'm lonely. Should I look for people who share my passions? Let's think about it. Why do I feel lonely? Why do I not socialise? Why, why, why, why? Surely I cannot figure this all out while and hang out with others! I have to withdraw, get the answers and then go forth knowing I have the answer. Since this behaviour has been so successful so far, it is obviously going to be successful. Wait a minute.

My job depresses me. Should I address those parts of my job which make me want to gouge my eyes out and stuff them in my ears while screaming so I have a valid excuse not to attend another meeting? One would argue that yes, any situation that makes you want to gouge your eyes out (nevermind the subsequent steps) is a situation that diminishes one's joie du vivre. Sacre fucking bleu.

And of course, closely tied to loneliness is my fear of women, or rather of being perceived negatively by any woman (I'm attracted to). Which is obviously 100% going to be resolved by doing the same thing over and over. Nothing helps you get over a fear more than giving it the power to control your life and treating it like it's an existential threat.

I think that once I cut through all the verbal diarrhea I realise that I'm pretty dumb after all.