The Felled Tree
Sometimes my mind wanders whether I am living the "good life" and what this good life is in the first place. Although these spontaneous moments of self assessment (viz. doubt and uncertainty) carry benefits akin to the discomfort of a workout, there is the risk of mental injury.
Why do I think I'm feeling what I'm feeling? I'm suffering from a cold and that got me wondering whether I'm taking care of myself properly. Why haven't I gone to get a checkup in years? What will I do if I get seriously ill and still don't have a GP I can rely on? Is it a relapse of my social anxiety that deters me or just a normal tendency to put off that which seems nonessential in the present?
I also recorded a vocal track for my song yesterday (before the cold hit hard). Unsurprisingly, my generous assessment is that it is absolutely horrid. My expectations were somewhere along those lines, but what I find is that when a situation meets a pessimistic expectation, the disappointment is not mitigated. Instead of being surprised and disappointed you're just disappointed your cynicism was confirmed - there is no pleasure in being "right" if you secretly hope you're wrong about something.
Then there's the matter or loneliness. We're told time and time again that a life lived in isolation is not worth living. For some reason the image of myself writing music alone in my study strikes me as sad and pathetic, as though I were a caged lion, depressed in a dark corner. All this effort feels like it's a tree falling in the middle of a forest with nobody to hear it. And even if there were people to hear it, I question whether it is worth hearing in the first place.
So taken all together, these thoughts are not conducive to the best of moods. It is during these phases that I find it important to sort out my feelings, and have a dialogue with them because oftentimes they communicate valuable information. The emotion isn't the problem - it's the key to moving forward.
Firstly, with regards to my health, these worries are justified and a plan of action is worth making. It can begin with a visit to a GP and committing to regular checkups.
Secondly, with regards to music - it is true that I am an absolutely horrible vocalist and have zero knowledge about music production. Yet I inconveniently forget that I went into this endeavour knowing this and intending this song to be a vehicle for building and improving my skillset. Do I sound like a cat is being strangled in an empty room with terrible acoustics? Well, keep learning how to sing and how to produce music.
Is what I'm making worth sharing? Right now, certainly not. At least not the song itself. The process might be worth sharing: perhaps others will take comfort in seeing another person struggle with things they do, or perhaps the schadenfreude will prove to be entertaining.
But especially with the proliferation of AI generated content, the value of suffering in art will appreciate immeasurably. The internal struggle to create something that the artist deems worthy of being shared will be the line that divides expressive art from content.
As for my isolation... That is not a topic I'm ready to tackle at this stage, for better or worse. It is probably the first sign that I'm about ready to re-emerge from my shell, like a hunger that clamours to be fed. I can fast a little longer while remaining receptive to this feeling.
